


Letters You'll Never Read

by FallenAngelAndPie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-05-31 23:30:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6491983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallenAngelAndPie/pseuds/FallenAngelAndPie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of 11x18, Dean locks himself in his room.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. No Air

**Author's Note:**

> I'm here alone  
> Didn't want to leave  
> My heart won't move, it's incomplete  
> Wish there was a way that I can make you understand

After a beer with his brother, Dean silently walks into the kitchen, opens the freezer and grabs a pint of Rocky Road, and a bottle of some wine Charlie had put there, before making his way to his room.

Sam watches his brother with a frown, but stays out of his way.

Dean plugs his phone into his loudspeakers, opens up Spotify and scrolls to his "Chick Flick Moments" playlist.

He presses on "no Air" and selects repeat.

As the music engulfs his room he collapses onto his bed; a tear forms in his left eye as he opens the ice cream and digs his spoon in.

"You idiot," Dean mutters. "Why won't you just fight Lucifer?"

Dean set the ice cream down in his night table and cracked open the wine, gulping as much as he could. 

He wanted to get drunk.

He wanted to be numb.

He missed that dumb angel.

More than he ever realized he would.

He remembered taking Cas to the stripper/brothel joint and being chased out because Cas decided to try and comfort the hooker.

Dean laughed at the memory, "Noob."

Castiel's half smile flashed through Dean's brain as Dean gulped down the last of the wine.

" _But how do you expect me....To live alone with just me....'Cause my world revolves around you...It's so hard for me to breathe_ ," Dean quietly sang along to the music.

He wishes he could shoot his angel a simple "I miss you" text or a stupid prayer, but he knows that's impossible.

Buzzed and emotional, Dean sits up and rummages his night table drawer for a pad of paper and a pen.

Once he finds these, he starts penning a letter, combined with the lyrics of the song he is listening to, to best get his feelings out there:

**_Cas,_ **

**_This probably was the stupidest thing you have ever done.  How could you say yes to that Hell bastard? We could have thought of another way to beat Amara.  I know we could have._ **

_If I should die before I wake_  
It's 'cause you took my breath away  
Losing you is like living in a world with no air  
Oh..

_I **miss you, buddy.  I just want you here.  At home. With Sam and me. We're a team. Why didn't you remember that?**_

_I'm here alone_  
Didn't want to leave  
My heart won't move, it's incomplete  
Wish there was a way that I can make you understand

 

_**Maybe I haven't been the best friend lately and I haven't been there for you as much as I should have, but I need you, Cas. Despite what I say or do, I need you.  I don't need you to be an angel or a God or any thing like that.  I just need you to be here.** _

_But how do you expect me_  
To live alone with just me  
'Cause my world revolves around you  
It's so hard for me to breathe

_**You once said that we had a more profound bond. I didn't get it then, but I think I get it now. Amara thinks she and I have a bond. I thought so too. But when she pulled you, Lucifer, away, for the first time I felt nothing towards her. I just wanted my best friend back.** _

_Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air_  
Can't live, can't breathe with no air  
That's how I feel whenever you ain't there  
It's no air, no air  
Got me out here in the water, so deep  
Tell me how you gon' be without me  
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe  
It's no air, no air  
  
No air, air  
Ohh..  
No air, air  
No..  
No air, air  
Oh..  
No air, air

_**I wish I could hear your voice. Your awkward phone calls. Your poor attempt at humour.** _

_I walked, I ran_  
I jumped, I flew  
Right off the ground to float to you  
There's no gravity to hold me down  
For real                    

**_I never wanted you to before, but not having you here now, all I want is for you watch over me._ **

_But somehow I'm still alive inside  
You took my breath, but I survived  
I don't know how  
_ _But I don't even care_ **__  
**

**_Just come back to me, Cas. Things will be different. I promise. Come home._ **

_So how do you expect me_  
To live alone with just me  
'Cause my world revolves around you  
It's so hard for me to breathe

**_I'll even let you drive Baby.......maybe....._ **

_Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air  
Can't live, can't breathe with no air  
That's how I feel whenever you ain't there  
It's no air, no air  
Got me out here in the water, so deep  
Tell me how you gon' be without me  
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe  
_ _It's no air, no air_ **__  
**

**_I need you here, Cas.  
I love you._ **

**_Dean_ **

Dean folded up the sheet of paper and wrote "To Cas" on the outside of it before stuffing it back into his drawer.

He cried himself to sleep that night. 

"No Air" played as he slept.


	2. Careless Whisper

Castiel sat, almost motionless in the kitchen of the bunker in his mind.  
He was watching The Golden Girls for the third time since being possessed by Lucifer.

For some reason, he decided he wanted to channel surf the 5 channels his little television received.  

Nothing much interested him, except for channel 5. A music channel that played all '80s hits, all the time.

"Dean would like this," Cas smiled as he rested his head in his hands and let the music waft over him.

Sax music began after a short commercial for Biggerson's and Castiel's ears perked up as a soulful George Michael belted out his emotions.

_I Feel So Unsure_   
_As I take your hand_   
_And lead you to the dance floor_   
_As the music dies_   
_Something in your eyes_   
_Calls to mind a silver screen_   
_And all it's sad goodbyes_

Cas was reminded of all the times that he had let Dean down and made stupid decisions.    
Maybe this was his stupidest mistake, but at least in his mind he wouldn't have to see Dean's heartbroken, betrayed face,

_I'm never gonna dance again_   
_Guilty feet have got no rhythm_   
_Though it's easy to pretend_   
_I know you're not a fool_   
_I should have known better than to cheat a friend_   
_And waste a chance that I've been given_   
_So I'm never gonna dance again_   
_The way I danced with you_

The chorus hit Cas hard.  
"I'm sorry, Dean," he whispered. "I let you down and I'm sorry."

 _Time can never mend_  
_The careless whisper of a good friend_  
_To the heart and mind_  
_Ignorance is kind_  
_There's no comfort in the truth_  
_Pain is all you'll find_

"If I could see you again, Dean, I would hope that you forgive me for all these mistakes that I keep making, but I understand if you won't. I wouldn't forgive me if I were you."

_I'm never gonna dance again_   
_Guilty feet have got no rhythm_   
_Though it's easy to pretend_   
_I know you're not a fool_   
_I should have known better than to cheat a friend_   
_And waste a chance that I've been given_   
_So I'm never gonna dance again_   
_The way I danced with you_

Cas didn't realize how much he missed the hunter with whom he shared a profound bond.  All he wanted more than anything was to go out for burgers and beers, and pie, obviously, and talk about everything with Dean.  He wanted to impress Dean with his newly aquired pop culture savviness. Show him that he isn't just a "baby in a trenchcoat".

 _Tonight the music seems so loud_  
_I wish that we could lose this crowd_  
_Maybe it's better this way_  
_We'd hurt each other with the things we want to say_  
_We could have been so good together_  
_We could have lived this dance forever_  
_But now who's gonna dance with me_  
_Please stay_

"Maybe it is better that Lucifer is controlling my vessel. I wasn't really too great at this humanity thing anyway," Cas frowned. "But if I do regain control of my vessel, I promise to be a better friend to Dean. I promise to not get into his personal space or be awkward and I will never even try to ride shotgun in the Impala. And I will bring a pie daily. A different flavour every week."

_I'm never gonna dance again_   
_Guilty feet have got no rhythm_   
_Though it's easy to pretend_   
_I know you're not a fool_   
_I should have known better than to cheat a friend_   
_And waste a chance that I've been given_   
_So I'm never gonna dance again_   
_The way I danced with you_

Cas let the rest of the lyrics and melody sink into his brain as he thought of the hunter he had once raised from perdition.

 _Now that you've gone_  
_Now that you've gone_  
_Now that you've gone_  
_Was what I did so wrong_  
_So wrong that you had to leave me alone_

"I miss you, Dean," a single tear rolled down Castiel's left cheek.


End file.
